09/25/05 - She's gone.. Flew to Aspen and out of my life :-)

I thought it would maybe take a few days for it to sink in. I can't believe you're actually gone. It's hit me hard. The reality of two fucking years just set in. I started my Peace Corps application today. Everything was fine up until the point in the app when you have to write essays on why you want to join, whats the motivation behind it. I started writing what I thought a recruiter would like to hear... I realize that I'm an imposter, using the Corps just to get to you. It's not right. But how can I even survive for two years without hearing your voice or seeing your face. I think the reality has set in. The Peace Corps route, unless I seriously find a better reason for humanity and not just you, will not work. This makes me sick. This makes me sick because I lied to you, I said that when I joined it would be 50/50..... being with you and serving. Me being over in Africa would be just to be with you. You're gone.... You're actually fucking gone... I'm trying to make sence of this. This will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I'm going to wait for you. I'm going to carry on and just wait untill the day I get to see you and pick up where we left off. It sounds so self-desctructive for me to do so, but I don't see any other way. I can lose everything dear to me, but just knowing that I have your heart makes everything ok.

Life will go on... I just want my life to be involved with yours.


I started this blog today to remember my thoughts about you & about life. I don't remember half of the crap I do, therefore, I think that I'm not making any progress in life, like stagnant pond water. I need to realize that I'm working every day towards a goal, all of these days of studying and working are building upto something beautiful. I'm going to write everyday in this thing, in hopes of maybe attaining some sort of introversion.