12/8/05 Self-Realization

The worst feeling in the world is to love someone and them not be able to return it. I think maybe Rowland's dad's funeral snapped me back into reality. All these months I've been in love with someone I can never have. I drove myself mad, I really think I have. As such, this deep love with Kelly will not materialize. I wanted it to, more than anything. She should have been fucking REAL with me before she left for Africa. She should have cut me off then, maybe I wouldn't be totally insane right now. This has been a really shity year. Firstly, the one women, the person I thought I could trust with my life turned out to be nothing but a whore. It's not a wasted 5 years, I learned a great deal from that relationship. Secondly, my family turns to shit, well atleast in my eyes it did. The one person I think I have ever respected is now in Utah. My real dad, whom I despise and have a deep down hatred for is now in my life and living down here. Blahhh....... Then my brand new bike gets stolen, tons of emotional pain, bad credit..... etc. Then, this women, this random women I meet and fall in love with leaves for Africa for two fucking years, probably never to be seen again. Almost three months have passed since she left. It took three love sick months of not hearing her voice for my heart to start questioning itself. How could I be so blind ? The Idealism inside me is dying. Life is starting to place it's cement shoes on me, fixating me to this one place, setting me on this course of life that I can see long down the tunnel and their isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I'm destined to be living in a van down by the river. Funerals will fuck you up. I was already a deep thinker, always analyzing life, now it's just in overdrive. Never in my life have I felt as much as I do for Kelly & there's nothing I can do, sure I can write letters and do this email thing but it's starting to hurt just to send her an email. I'm losing it, I swear to God I'm losing it. Todays self-realization is that I have been basing my life off a women that knows nothing about the physical me, what I do day in, day out. Again, this year has really sucked, very few things I can say that are positive. Did my life really suck this year ? or does this shit happen to everyone ? or am I such a pessimistic person and that's the reason why ? I think maybe its time to admit to myself that I'm a little fucked up in the head and should see a shrink. That's a good sign though, that I know I'm atypical, unable to truly enjoy life, and that I realize that !! It's a good start when you can self analyze your problems and find out what needs to be done in order to correct it. IT's funny. I can say all of this shit, vent like a son of a bitch and everything will remain the same. Me madly in love with my soul-mate and there's nothing I can do but wait and drive myself insane. Wait a minute, she left, she didn't love me. Did we really have something ? or was she too passive to say, "Hey, I really like you but I've really got to ramble on" maybe she did say that in so many words, her actions said that. "not even wild horses could take me away from Mozambique, for our love to continue, it has to be in Mozambique" Wow, that hurt. Whats bound to happen is that I'll have to find a filler companion until I can be with her again, but then thats not fair for the "filler" girl. Shit... Don't ever let a women mess with your mind - Old Crow Medicine Show