11/28/05 Thanksgiving update

I need to vent a little about my marathon, a kick ass experience indeed, but I did'nt do as good as I wanted to. Isn't that everybodies life story ?

Wed. night I had to drive to one side of Atlanta to get my number & chip for the race, then I found out that the race started on the otherside of the city. Not a problem. I drove around until I found a Hotel that was reasonably priced & convenient to walk to the race. The night before the race I was nervous as hell about how I'd do. I made two huge mistakes that led to the down fall of the Marathon. Firstly, I wore new shoes. Why ? dunno. thought it would help. Secondly, I only drank fluids two days before the race, reason being that I don't shit myself 5 miles into it. These two things hit me hard 20 miles into it, I was starving for carbs, feet were hurting, my body was starting to shutdown :( Anyway, I walked the last 6 miles of the race, and BARELY did that. Next year, Next year I will conquer your ass.

I was so dead after the race that I wound up staying an extra night at the Hotel in bed. I didn't/couldn't want to move. I ordered Chinese & a movie and had a Jimmy party. I have more fun by myself, no expectations, no effort to carry on a conversation.

I drove down to Eufaula from Atlanta the next morning and hung out with the fam for awhile. I wound up staying all weekend, I really enjoyed myself which is odd because I ushually can't be around my family more than 24hrs. Me, Bonnie, Ben, and Stef had a heart to heart Saturday night. We had a nice fire going, some cold long necks. Anyway, we finally put all of our bullshit misconceptions out on the table and talked about em' This was years over due. I feel good. I didn't know Bonnie had such animosity towards me. Ben, I love the kid, I mean shit, he's my little bro. I did'nt know he had so many probs. I just need to be closer to my siblings, especially now that the world is upside down (Gene, Dad, Mom.......etc)

I feel a little bit better

11/23/05 I'm tired, but I have to write this shit down

Today... was full. I had an awesome conversation with a postal worker today about the demise of our society. We agreed on so many things that it was a little freaky. This guy was telling me about how I should always have cash money on hand and never have it sunk into tangible things like property.......etc. He was tired. I could see it. A postal worker going postal. He got up on his soap box and told me how the world was. I just simply nodded my head and said that the mojority of the population feels the same way we do, why don't we start a revolution ? He said damn right !! Boston tea party all over again. Fuck you Bush, and fuck these rediculous chains placed upon us (taxes, psuedo cast system)

ok, so that made my day but it gets even better. I went to Butch Anthonys folk art exibit in Seale, Alabama. Turned out to be an incredible party of intellectuals banging on drums and playin guitar. It was an open bar so I got a little toasted. Not cool, seeing as how I'll be running a 26 mile marathon in < 48 hours. I hadn't seen Butch in a couple years and forgot how cool he was, nobody quite like em. He attracks some of the most odd-ball hippies. very fun. I want to start going to his Tuesday night philosophy society meetings...

11/16/05 11 hours of sleep !

WTF !! I woke up at noon today, missed all of my classes... I feel great nonetheless, but why so much sleep ? was I really THAT tired ? I guess I was. Thanksgiving break is next week, can't freakin wait !! I'll have h/w to do but I don't care.

11/15/05 What a day

I failed my fucking java exam, he did'nt do partial credit and it REALLY hurt me. I have to make an 85 on the final just to pass the class now :( I don't fail. It's not a fucking option. If i fail this class it means the last 4 months of my life have been waisted. Mark my words Blogg, I will not go down without a fight. The kicker to this whole thing is that I got a $75 ticket where I parked my van to study for the exam I failed...

Took a stroll down College St. today to get my bike tire fixed. This skinny old black man was standing in front of Mellow Mushroom, yelling at the top of his lungs, preaching his heart out about whats wrong with the world and that nobody has God in their life anymore. I stopped, sat down and listened to him for a while. I noticed that people in cars driving by, people walking on the street, would just laugh or give each other looks like, "eeehhh, what a weirdo" What if this guy was actually devinly inspired and we are all giving him the cold wicked shoulder because he's doing something out of the ordinary, out of the bounds of the acceptance of society. Anyway, the guy was like "Lord, these people are wicked, all I want is a glass of water, and they won't even give me that" I went and got him some ice water. He seemed greatfull.

The one thing that really hit me hard about what he was saying was " You people don't know God, you're imposters, wearing your beatiful sunday dress, claiming that you're saved. You're saved ? I don't see you living to serve God, I don't see you doing everything you can to spread his word."

11/12/05 Too much...

Well... Ben lost his game last night, they were undefeated 11-0. It's a shame... I've never scene so many people crying, players callapse and fall to the ground. I feel my little bro's pain, but he needs to accept this event as a part of life.

I got an email from Kelly yesterday which I LOVED reading, but it was desturbing at the same time. Evidentally, her cousin Eric sent a letter to her and in the letter he said him and I talked on the phone and had a great conversation:
"I got a letter from eric the other day, he said you
guys talked on the phone, he was really happy to talk
to you, his letter made me cry because he wrote:
"Kelly he misses you as much as you miss him, i think
there is a great future for the both of you and i
canºt wait to see it!"

That's great stuff, and it scores me major Brownie points but the problem is that I never talked to him after RI and he made it up. I appreciate the fact that he likes/approves of me but it bothers me that he would instill something false in her mind like that. Do I mail her back and nonchalantly say: " wow Kelly, that's cool that you got a letter from Eric and that he said all of those nice things, I don't remember talking to him but that's awesome that he, in so many words, gives his blessing on our relationship."


I'll have to ponder this one for awhile...

11/9/05 Studying for Java

I'm taking a quick break from studying, I'm at network services all by myself at 9:30 at night, kinda creepy... I have to pull atleast a 75 on this exam tomorrow, and it's not looking to good. I'm pulling an all-nighter in hopes that somehow this material will get absorbed into my head.

It's official, I'm losing my hair. I would say that the last six months It's been falling out little by little and I just kept telling myself it's just because the seasons are changing and I'm just shedding a little bit, hah. I need to thank my Dad for giving me a bad DCDC2 (Dyslexia) gene as well as the whole hair loss problem, eeehhh, not to mention the history of mental problems on both sides. It's a beautiful thing, you gatta take the good with the bad. We all can't be Duggie Houser.

My motivation to study right now is to of course not fail the course but also I keep telling myself the reward will be the WEEKEND when you can finish the four-wheeler, ride your bike, run, binge on chinese food, work on the twinkie, do the things that I WANT to do. I am so fucking sick of school, and yet it's a requirement of life, you have to do it or you'll be a nobody, a mumbling turd walking the streets.

I was feeling so fucked up last night, went for a nice long run and poof... the world seemed right. I love the mindset running puts me in, total deep thought, levels of conciousnes I did'nt even know I was capable of. I ran from my twinkie house up and around the university and back... it was awesome. I'm getting really nervous on whether I can finish the marathon in atlanta. What if I shit myself half way through the race and have to drop out ? I dunno. I don't even know why I'm doing this fucking thing, just kinda fell into place. I mean. I love running, so why not run a marathon ? fucken a' man.


Whent Kate called me up drunk a few weeks ago and told me that Kelly told her that there was a time when she felt like I liked her more than she was able to like me, that fucking hurt. If it's the truth, so be it. On the other hand, Kate said that she's never seen Kelly act like she does around me and that she *did* break down and start loving me a few weeks before she left. It doesn't matter. Women are unpredictable.

Sometimes I feel like our situation is like Nicolas Cage's movie "The Family Man". He chose a different path in life, not neccesarily a bad route, the "money" route. The guy gets a glimpse of his life if he had chose the "family" route and he yurns for that life but he can't have it. Kelly chose a selfless life in Mozambique to serve humanity over everything else. I have to respect her for that. Afterall, this was something years in the making, WAY before she met me. I wish she would have cut me off before she left, even if it were a lie. Would things be better that way ? I wouldn't hurt so much, I would have eventually gotten over her and found someone else and would always wonder and have "what ifs" the rest of my life, but, atleast my heart wouldn't ache like it does now. Things happen for a reason. I'm waiting for her for a reason. I honestly feel like she's my soul-mate and that I could spend the rest of my life with her, I knew that the day I met her. Blahhhhh ok, back to studying.

11/8/05 Everyday my ass

Ok, maybe not everyday. I just read what I wrote a month ago when you left for Afro-ca, sounds really depressing, I can't say much has changed. I mean, I carry on about my days just as anyone else would, but there is always that stigma in the back of my head, that empty void. I think I'm getting all outta wack because I havn't ran in a few days, that usually helps. When I get done venting my depression I think I'll go for a nice long run.

Yesterday I sent you a email, I was starting to go off on a tangent about how I missed you so, and that I can't do the two years, then Joplin's bobby McGee song started playing and it instantly made everything all right, the power of music :) I ask why such a powerful song with so much meaning between you and I would start randomly playing, devine ? probably not. Just a coincidence, but why would fate fuck with me like that ?

Ok, it's six and I need to start studying at seven for Java II.


blahhhh.....