12/27/05 Christmas

ok, Christmas really sucked this year, lots of yelling & fighting, and I wonder why I'm never down here. It's funny really. They're my family and I can't stand them but yet I want to be around em' I've taken it REALLY easy these past few days and I feel worthless. While I'm working and going to school I wish to do nothing and now that I have this buffet of laziness before me, I feel worthless, I need something to do, go back to work, do something ! I got so bored that I setup a domain controller for my network in Eufaula. I've been watching season one of the OC and OZ and I must say they fucking rock. I'm not one to watch that kinda crap, I actually feel socially smarter from watching this stuff.

This holiday has been hard because this is around the time when Erin cheated on me and temporarily ruined my life. I can't really say that because I had it coming. I wasn't true to her feelings and it wound up biting me in the ass.

So much shit is going on in the family. Me & larry were out on the back porch at grannies watching the sun go down when he started telling me about his problems. Even if I only got one side of the story, nobody deserves what happened to him. I feel sorry for him and I'm glad I was there to talk to. When people are looking to vent emotions or just need guidance, i feel that is when jimmy shines. I may not have the perfect answers but it always comes from my heart.

Bonnie seriously needs some paxil or zoloft or something, she is outta control. I love her to death and she is the funniest person I know, but she needs some medications to control the bi-polar dance.


the most amazing thing happened before I came down to eufaula for Christmas. I got a card from Kelly's Mom with a bunch of pictures of Kelly, telling me to hang in there and if we can make it through this, we can make it through anything !! the pictures were a spread from the last 5 years with one baby picture (2years old) very cute, she had a bowl haircut !! I feel bad because I did'nt think to send them anything for Christmas. I mean, I ran to wal-mart and picked out a card and overnighted it but that was lame... I still think about her all the freakin time and wonder if I'll ever see her, blahh blahh blahh. I yearn for the day we meet up and start off where we left it. The greatest fear I have is that she has moved on or that I'm the last thing on her mind in that blissful paradise... We will definitley be different people when we meet, 2 years will change both of us completley. All I can do is hope and try to keep myself sane.

Whats even more lame is that I bought presents for Thomas, Rolaids, and Zeb but nothing for my own family. I don't really know why. laziness sure. I'll hook them all up someday somehow.

12/20/05

The measure of a man's self worth is judged through his accomplishments and involvements. I know in my heart I'm doing the right thing and I guess thats all that matters. People find out about your good deeds one way or another. God, if he exists, knows what you've done.

ok, thinking to myself why I just said that after talking to Gene. I guess I just miss the guy.

12/19/05 it's 2 am

wtf, was watching a movie with Sammy D and didn't realize how late it got. It's weird. Being around someone 5 years younger than I, you realize your age.

I played pool with the missionaries all day yesterday and got to hang out with Rolaids a little bit. Today was surreal. I was planning on going to the lds institute this morning when Crook called and invited me to her church that was having a big sunday feast. Since food is my weakness I had to go with her even though I promised the missionaries I'd go with them. We get to her church and what do you know, I meet Patrice's mom. very fucking wierd. not her. me. me meeting her. My short lived friendship with Patrice was bitter-sweet. I just wanted to be friends with her and maybe she thought I had different intentions and then when she met her future husband she felt like she couldn't hang out with me anymore. I dunno. What I just wrote is maybe too Jimmy-centered and not even close to reality. I also met Gerry, he used to work and Engineering Network Services, way back in the day. This guy is not much older than I am and has worked for HP r&d and leads the freakin Samba development team. Over achiever. Very cool guy nonetheless. So we all gorged ourselves and watched the entertainment which was long as hell but rather cool at the same time. The little kiddies all dressed up acting on stage, the adults, it was like one big family. I'll be back to that church for sure. Then Crook and I left to go pick her Granny up at another all black church, we walk in and I didn't feel the "oh my god, it's a honky" stigma at all. very nice people. Got to meet her kick ass granny and went back to her house, she wanted me to look at fixing her wheelchair ramp. I looked at it and it's a full days work, not to mention a few hundred quid in lumber, but as always I'll be more than happy to help Crook's granny out.

On the way back to my place Eddra and I got into a religious discussion, it started off with how you can view the different religions in terms of a shattered glass and each denomination has a piece. I brought up the analogy and was like, yes, and the mormons, they have a piece too, we all do. I said Mormons are VERY big on family and thats when the conversation turned south in my eyes. She has a major problem with the LDS church, mainly because they didn't allow blacks to hold leadership positions in the 60's. She dropped the bomb on a lot of stuff she learned in bible school over in London. Something about a video tape the mormons put out in the 60's that said blacks were a sub par race and from a different planet...... what the fuck ?? Anyway, we talked for a good hour or so outside of my place in her car. I was tired so I politely retreated from the discussion and said my good-byes. As soon as I got through my door I called Elder Morris to see what he had to say about all of this.... Eddra had a big problem with "assurance" versus "Insurance" in terms of the gift of everlasting life. She asked a missionary one time that if he were to die today, would he goto heaven ? He replied, I sure hope so. You see, Eddra believes that everlasting life is a gift, and a gift is given to you with no strings attached. she used the analogy of me getting a gift from her and then having to work 10 hours of manual labor for it. thats not a gift and she's got a point. Anyway, she told me to ask the missionaries that very same question and sure enough Morris said the same thing. What does that mean ? Probably nothing. Anyway, she knocked my religion or at least what I claim..... and that kinda hurt. Shouldn't the judging be left upto God ? Eddra is a very learned person and I respect everything she has to say. But there was an almost hatred for the LDS church peiring out of her.

I heard what Eddra had to say, her take on things, I heard what Elder Morris had to say, his take on things, and fuck..... Now I'm just even more confused about what I need to believe in. It would be to fucking easy to be a piece of crap loser and steal, lie, and cheat. That stuff is too easy. Living righteous and doing the right thing is hard as hell... I've been touched by God in some way and I can't deny I yearn for him. To turn around and shrug off what I feel would be cutting my own throat. The first step to clear my confusion is to pray & read. Something I don't do.... and I wonder why I'm so confused all the time, I do it to myself.



Oh yeah, and to all of those companies that make money off of data mining the internet's bloggs, you can go fuck yourselves. I will never reveal my thoughts on a certan product just so you can make a buck off of my miserable existance. In fact, I should start a movement teaching people to post the exact opposite to how they really feel about a product or a company then your precious spiders will be compiling a bunch of crap, then you'll supply the crap to the people you have contracts with and they will gear thier market strategy around the "crap" and fail. How dare you use peoples thoughts and ideas and feelings to make a buck. Sure, your fucking arguement is the info is free and it's splattered all over the internet, but it comes down to respecting peoples privacy. you fuckers represent what is WRONG with America and why the rest of the world has an all out hatred for us..... thanks a bunch. Now when I go to backpack Europe I have to say I'm from Canada just so I don't get my ass kicked. thanks a lot fuck stick.

12/14/05 update, vent a little

Well, I found myself going down to Eufaula just for the hell of it yesterday, spent the night, took the next day off from work, spent some time with dady war-bucks. We exhanged words with each other that were needed; it took 15 years. He started tearing up when I brought up Mom and their relationship.

I went and partied last night for the first time in many months and fuck.... I partied hard. As soon as I got back into Auburn I drove over to Buffalo's, chilled at the bar, nothin much going on. I ran into Brandon, the guy that bought my old bike, and wound up partying with him and his friends. I couldn't believe how many people I knew last night, people I've had classes with in the past.... etc

12/8/05 Self-Realization

The worst feeling in the world is to love someone and them not be able to return it. I think maybe Rowland's dad's funeral snapped me back into reality. All these months I've been in love with someone I can never have. I drove myself mad, I really think I have. As such, this deep love with Kelly will not materialize. I wanted it to, more than anything. She should have been fucking REAL with me before she left for Africa. She should have cut me off then, maybe I wouldn't be totally insane right now. This has been a really shity year. Firstly, the one women, the person I thought I could trust with my life turned out to be nothing but a whore. It's not a wasted 5 years, I learned a great deal from that relationship. Secondly, my family turns to shit, well atleast in my eyes it did. The one person I think I have ever respected is now in Utah. My real dad, whom I despise and have a deep down hatred for is now in my life and living down here. Blahhh....... Then my brand new bike gets stolen, tons of emotional pain, bad credit..... etc. Then, this women, this random women I meet and fall in love with leaves for Africa for two fucking years, probably never to be seen again. Almost three months have passed since she left. It took three love sick months of not hearing her voice for my heart to start questioning itself. How could I be so blind ? The Idealism inside me is dying. Life is starting to place it's cement shoes on me, fixating me to this one place, setting me on this course of life that I can see long down the tunnel and their isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I'm destined to be living in a van down by the river. Funerals will fuck you up. I was already a deep thinker, always analyzing life, now it's just in overdrive. Never in my life have I felt as much as I do for Kelly & there's nothing I can do, sure I can write letters and do this email thing but it's starting to hurt just to send her an email. I'm losing it, I swear to God I'm losing it. Todays self-realization is that I have been basing my life off a women that knows nothing about the physical me, what I do day in, day out. Again, this year has really sucked, very few things I can say that are positive. Did my life really suck this year ? or does this shit happen to everyone ? or am I such a pessimistic person and that's the reason why ? I think maybe its time to admit to myself that I'm a little fucked up in the head and should see a shrink. That's a good sign though, that I know I'm atypical, unable to truly enjoy life, and that I realize that !! It's a good start when you can self analyze your problems and find out what needs to be done in order to correct it. IT's funny. I can say all of this shit, vent like a son of a bitch and everything will remain the same. Me madly in love with my soul-mate and there's nothing I can do but wait and drive myself insane. Wait a minute, she left, she didn't love me. Did we really have something ? or was she too passive to say, "Hey, I really like you but I've really got to ramble on" maybe she did say that in so many words, her actions said that. "not even wild horses could take me away from Mozambique, for our love to continue, it has to be in Mozambique" Wow, that hurt. Whats bound to happen is that I'll have to find a filler companion until I can be with her again, but then thats not fair for the "filler" girl. Shit... Don't ever let a women mess with your mind - Old Crow Medicine Show

12/6/05

Spent the last three days straight studying for my java final. I think I did alright.

12/2/05 It's December ?

Here I am again, 1 in the morning, supposed to be studying but I constantly drift off to reading people's "backpacking the world" adventures. I ran across this gentlemans (David Melancon) post, he could not have said it better " I think religions can serve a wonderful purpose in that they give us moral standards to live by, but at the same time, they are also “dividing lines” that for centuries have been the cause of war and oppression. Why must we hold on so tightly to a system of beliefs? And why must we be told what to believe in the first place? Doesn’t the idea of learning who you are and your place in this world by using a little introspection and self-discovery seem much more natural and logical than by just simply adopting a code because of how you were raised or where you are from? For me personally, finding the answers on my own is much more meaningful than having them spoon-fed to me. I guess it can be best summed up with a simple analogy: Put two people in the middle of a deep dark forest and tell them to find their way out. Give one of them a detailed map of the forest, some food and water to last a few days, and a gun. To the other one give nothing. Now of course, the one with the map will most likely find his way out relatively quickly by simply reading the map. The other person however, may possibly spend weeks being lost, making wrong turns, trying to find food and water, all while trying to avoid being eaten by wild animals. But if he uses his own instincts and learns from his mistakes, he will eventually make it out. Now, my question is this. Of these two people, which has a better understanding of the forest and how to survive in it? I think the same can be said of our world."